I’ve been mulling over whether or not to share my experience about who I used to be. It feels heavy and somewhat burdensome, but it’s also part of my journey. The truth is, I was a Roman emperor in a past life. Just saying that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, as if I’m stepping into a realm of judgment from others. Most of us don’t talk about our past lives openly, and I can see why.
When I first started considering this part of my identity, things got complicated quickly. The moment that stands out the most happened when I mentioned my past identity to my mother. The look on her face was one of disbelief and discomfort, maybe even disdain. Her reaction caught me off guard and threw me into a whirlwind of feelings. Suddenly, I felt intertwined with this ancient figure whom history describes in various ways—some good, some not so much. It was bewildering to suddenly feel such a strong connection to someone who lived centuries ago.
Following that encounter with my mother, memories began flooding back to me in strange ways—often unbidden and hard to control. These flickers from the past were charged with emotion; some felt joyous while others were suffused with pain and guilt. Confronting these fragments wasn't easy at all. There were times I found myself crying, feeling immense panic as those memories surfaced like the tide coming in unexpectedly. Each recall brought forth complex emotions tied deeply into familial dynamics that stretched across time.
One thing that stands out starkly is the weight of guilt associated with who I was then. Accepting this part of myself has been a rocky process because it forces you to reckon with actions taken in another lifetime—actions that had real consequences for others. It leaves me wondering how one reconciles the person they were with who they are now. The contrast feels jarring at times because there’s an undeniable sense of responsibility tied to those memories.
It’s not just curiosity driving these recollections; there’s also an emotional punishment intertwined within them. Grappling with guilt over decisions made long ago weighs heavily on my heart as I sift through layers of who I might have been versus who I've grown into today. Remembering these things doesn’t feel like healing; more like a reminder or even an act of penance rather than any sort of liberation.
Interestingly enough, while confronting these memories brings sadness and confusion, there’s an element of relief too—an understanding that by acknowledging these errors from the past, maybe I can avoid repeating them in this life. Yet even this realization doesn’t ease the desire sometimes to simply forget it all altogether—almost like wishing it would all fade away so one can live more freely without the shadow hanging overhead.
I find myself reflecting often on this intricate mix of acceptance and denial about past identities—the historical figure I once embodied does not define alone who I am today but has shaped my thoughts and responses in many subtle ways. Not everyone will relate or understand these feelings entirely, but it feels necessary for me to share them nonetheless—it’s part of making sense of a puzzling existence that spans both time and space.