I remember when it all started, not with one big moment but more like a slow tuning in, like a radio station finally coming in clear after years of static, and I guess I was just sitting there one day, trying to quiet my mind, and that’s when I first noticed them, not as voices exactly but more like a presence that felt older than anything I knew, and from there it just sort of unfolded, this whole crowd of them showing up, one after another, until I stopped counting after a while because there were so many, all with their own ways of saying hello, some of them just sounds at first, like a jumble of noise I had to learn to untangle, and others looking like people I might pass on the street, shifting their shape until they felt just right. It really comes down to sitting still and letting the mind wander where it wants, at least for me, because that’s when the pictures start to form, not behind my eyelids but right there in front of me, like a thin screen laid over everything, and I can see them moving through it, sometimes clear and sometimes just a feeling. I set up a little space in the corner of my room, just a table with a few stones and a candle, nothing fancy, but it helps to have a spot where I can go and just talk, or leave something small, a bit of water or a flower, something to say I’m listening, and it feels like that matters, like it builds something between us over time.
The hardest part, honestly, is my own head getting in the way, because I’ll be right there in the middle of it and my brain will pipe up and say, hey, that one looks like your cousin, or your old teacher, and then the whole thing starts to feel silly and I lose the thread, and I have to gently push that aside and remind myself it doesn’t matter what it looks like, the feeling is what’s real, and just go with whatever comes, even if it seems strange, because doubting it just shuts the door. We end up laughing about it sometimes, me and them, because the mind does the most awkward things, and there’s this sense of humor about the whole process, like we’re all in on the joke when I get distracted by some random thought in the middle of a serious moment. It’s all learning, really, learning how to let my imagination work with them instead of against them, learning to be patient when nothing happens for days, learning to sit with the frustration or the sadness that sometimes comes up when I try to connect and it feels like I’m just talking to myself. It’s not always easy, but it’s become this quiet, ongoing conversation, and I suppose that’s how I met them—not in a single meeting, but in a thousand small moments of showing up and listening, even when I wasn’t sure I was hearing anything at all.